Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Close Encounter of the Gross Kind


I should have known that it was going to be one of those afternoons when I walked downstairs and found Harrison crouched behind the ottoman with his pants down. And no he wasn't doing that. Get your mind out of the gutter, will you? I questioned him only to find out that his bottom was itching because alas it wasn't very clean. Seems that at school they only have "real" toilet paper (according to Harrison) and of course, that doesn't always work for five year olds. So we rectified the situation by using our stash of handy dandy Cottonelle wet wipes (which by the way DO clog your septic system, at least when used by my kids). And those of you out there who are groaning should just stop now because it gets worse.

As the afternoon progresses, I decide to surprise Harrison with a treat for snack. Some peanut M&M's. Well, if you must know the real reason I gave them to him is that I was eating the entire bag and it was so not on my list of diet foods. So anyhow, he takes the bowl and heads upstairs to talk to his dad. A little while later, David (dad) comes downstairs and tells me that I am a horrible mother (jokingly, I think). Apparently, Harrison had gone upstairs and offered David some of the M&M's. As he got closer, a strong stench emanated from him. Upon closer inspection, David found that Harrison still had some poop on his hand. YUCK! And I did make him wash them earlier. (Note to self: Inspect hands closer after washing). So David sent him to the bathroom to wash his hands (again). Not only did Harrison wash his hands, he also thought it might be good to wash his M&M's. Yes, he thought that washing them would make it alright to eat them.

After having three children, poop doesn't bother me much. Well and the fact that I can't smell doesn't hurt. BUT the thought of eating something with poopy hands just about sends me over the edge. I am the one who wipes the grocery cart handle before I touch it. Not only do I have wipes in my car but a giant bottle of Purell hand sanitizer. There is only one person that I know who is worse than me (no names here). I have tried to impart some cleanliness ideals on my children but it obviously isn't working.

But wait, it gets even better (or worse depending on how you look at it). Last night was family night at Moe's so we piled the kids in the car and headed out. Our family of 5 can eat for less than $10 (unless we get the yummy cheese dip then it's $12) so it makes for a cheap dinner. I was thrilled that we were beating the crowd because let me tell you it gets downright chaotic with all the kids. We pull out of the neighborhood and David says that he is getting a whiff of poop. I tell him to check his shoes. So at the stop light he checks and nothing. I tell the kids to check their shoes. Nothing. So David asks Harrison if he pooped in his pants (which he usually doesn't do but hey this has not been a usual day). Harrison adamantly states "no".

We pull into the parking lot and all pile out of the car with David the whole while saying complaining about the smell. Harrison is getting out of the car when David asks "Son is that chocolate on your shirt?" We all stand there gawking because I am sure you already know what the answer was. No, it was (you guess it) POOP. Yeah, buddy smeared right across the front of his shirt. Now, you would think that the smell would have bothered him. But, no he just went about his business, playing and having fun not noticing or at least not caring that he had poop on his shirt.

At this point, I am starting to get very hungry so I suggest that I run in Steinmart and buy him a shirt. So Haley and I head across the parking lot only to discover that Steinmart no longer carries kids clothes (boo!). When we get back out to the parking lot, David informs me that not only did Harrison have it on his shirt, but also on his jeans. No escaping it now, we are heading home. So we all pile back into the car and head home (which thankfully is only 5 minutes away).

We get home and leave the two oldest in the car while David and I take Harrison in to get changed. We stop in the laundry room to undress as that seems the safest thing to do to keep the mess from spreading elsewhere. We try to coerce him to take his clothes off but he's obviously not in a hurry because he is just standing there staring at us. After we derobe him, we proceed to the bathroom only to discover that there is poop all over the sink. At this point, it has become somewhat comical. David looks at me and I look at him and we both just shake our heads and laugh. We are both thinking, "Where next?"

So after we clean Harrison up, we get back in the car, head on over to Moe's. And of course by now there are a gazillion people in line. And I am starving. We finally get our food and sit down to eat - with clean hands. Of that I am sure.


Kim Eckhardt said...

OMG, Becky. I am crying laughing. I'm sorry for your misery but that is funny. Oh, and if makes you feel any better, Shane and Owen went through this att he beginning of school where they were both pooping in their pants. Owen went through a whole soccar class with poop in his pants. And, as he was walking up to me, he had his hands in the back of his pants to check. see where this is going. ;)

We're living parallel lives, you and I. :)

Leah said...

Eeeeeew. I'm sure he's a sweetheart and all, but I'm never sharing a bag of chips (or a bag of anything else) with that kid. Reading that made me imagine that I was smelling poop too!!!

Pauline said...

OMG,I am laughing so hard I'm crying. sorry for your misery but that is funny and not having children of my own i will live this lesson vicariously through you ...